THE FARM

Apologies to the CIA! This has nothing to do with them except for me borrowing the name of their training facility for this post. I’m just imagining my body, MY PRECIOUS LADIESLYF!!! as a training ground for a green sexually innocent stud-wannabe!

I have a very active imagination and I can just visualize a moist, saliva drenched mouth gnashing against my lips with slurping sounds as I’m fighting an urge to barf while at the same time struggling to draw oxygen into my asphyxiating lungs; an elbow in my face or knee in my tummy from an overeager lover boy. Getting to the basics: sucking on my bobby twins with lips and teeth. OUCH! Then as I say ouch, he quickly raises his head to ask what he did wrong and bumps my chin with his head. Another OUCH!

Fingers digging into my sweet Suzy in a tacky imitation of a love scene from a low budget almost X-rated movie. Clambering hand over heels up my body then the feeble attempt to stick a fast waning erection (of course he would have leaked almost all his cum out from excitement) into her, poking the surrounding areas of my thighs in the process. Followed by that appalling question – “IS IT IN?” and before I can heave him off me, the last few drops drip out to join their already drying comrades on my lovely flowered bedspread (has to be my house. He still lives with his parents)

Don’t say I’m exaggerating. Believe me, my imagination conjured up much worse scenarios than this and the reality might turn out to be much much worse!

In case you are wondering what caused this lamentation, it’s a twenty six year old male virgin (who said men cannot be virgins?) who has been keeping himself for the right woman and has erroneously decided I, as in MOI, am that RIGHT WOMAN!!!

I cannot even begin to imagine a virgin at twenty six. Yes 26! Roman numeral II and VI! In the 21st century! And, (this will definitely sound sexist) A GUY, as in a MAN! Of the MASCULINE GENDER! Or in this case, a boy!

As much as I respect (or try to respect) his retaining his purity to such an advanced age and as flattered as I am (or trying to be) that I have been bestowed with the dubious honor of disvirgining him, I have to demur.

LADYLYF AINT NO FARM!

NB -
I am going to be off-blog for about a month. I have a killing deadline to meet so I’m devoting all my waking and most of my sleeping time to meeting that deadline. If it doesn’t kill me, I promise I will be back no later than a month. Please accept my apologies. I know I’m going to miss you all.

WOMEN I WANT TO DO IT WITH

• Monica Lewinsky – Apart from the fact that my luscious lips are named after her, there’s something about having the same lips that blew a presidential cock clamped on my pussy that will make me feel like the most powerful woman on earth. And let’s face it, Monica’s lips are probably the closest I’ll get to the Oval Office!

• Queen Elizabeth – No, I don’t mean the long dead and buried Queen Elizabeth the First. I mean the still alive but not strenuously kicking currently reigning British Monarch, Queen Elizabeth the Second. And yes, I know you think me thinking of screwing such an old lady makes me a pervert but that just makes you biased. If I’d said I wanna screw the Prince Consort, will you raise an eyebrow? My point exactly! Anyway, I want to shag her because, don’t let all those royal princes and princess fool you, Her Majesty looks as if she hasn’t had a good lay in all her straitlaced royal years on earth. I’ve always believed everyone deserves at least one mind blowing WOW sex in a lifetime and who better to help Queenie let down her hair if not moi?

• Rihanna – Some of you will wonder why? Well, I say Why not? At least I won’t beat her half to death!

• Madonna – I might as well do her and join her still growing list!

• Janet Jackson – She’s the next best thing to Michael Jackson!

• Jennifer Lopez – I just want to get up close and personal with that ass and see what is so insurance worthy about it. Her insurance company has obviously never been to Africa to see the mind blowing rear stacks we have on parade.

• The First Lady of my African country – To be honest, I don’t really want to sleep with her, but, her gentle demeanor notwithstanding, she scares me. And the thought of what she will do to me if she ever comes across my blog and reads that I want to shag her husband is enough to make me sprout a whole garden of lily livers. Mentioning her on this list is therefore a kind of olive branch. Let’s hope it works!

• Black African Women – Just like our male counterparts, we black women ROCK! There’s a friend of mine who whenever he sees a well proportioned jeans encased behind goes “that can only be a black ass”. I always agree with him. Petite or robust, WE BOOTYLICIOUS! No, I’m not gonna go round raping sistas but hey, I aint running if I’m offered a taste.

MEN I WANT TO DO IT WITH

• Brad Pitt – Why? Because of Angelina Jolie. Why?! I don’t know! I guess that’s an answer only 140 hours of intense mind probing and head delving with a shrink can dig out. So let’s just accept it when I say anytime I think of Angelina, I wanna f**k Brad Pitt.

• The Pope – Whether it’s the late John Paul II or the current Benedict XVI or the future ‘BlaBla’ IV; it doesn’t matter. It’s the office I’m after. I want to have sex with whoever is Pope because having a good screw might actually make the Pontiff reconsider that vow of chastity condition laid on all those poor priests. Allowing sex will do the Catholic Church a whole world of good.

• The Dear Departed and Sorrowfully Lamented Michael Jackson (RIP) – He has always been on my “wanna fuck” list because I had hopes that a sweaty session with Suzy, Monique, Cindy and the Bobby twins will open his eyes to the error of his ways and spare those young boys future traumas. You can say I was offering myself as the sacrificial lamb on the altar of Sexual Restoration. Sadly, that is something that will never happen now.

• The Sultan of Brunei – Think what you will of me but the man has a record of altruistic generosity and the thought of earning his eternal gratitude for the “f**k of his life” is enough to make me reconsider my stance of not accepting payment for sex. You can trust I will ask for nothing less than the Hope Diamonds in return for “services rendered”. Yes, you heard me right. The HOPE DIAMONDS! My ladies don’t come cheap!

• The President of My Home Country – Y’all know I’m an African. Well, in my African country, we have a sickly president who aint doing nada for the nation and he’s gunning for another term in office. That is not acceptable at all! So I’m hoping an energy sapping strenuous bout of sexual activity will hurry him along on the path to eternity and free my country from more years of “unhealthy rule”. And if he still doesn’t pass on, Yours Truly could become First Lady and as much as ‘it is not my will’ (Yeah, Right!) I would do it so as to be in an intimate position to give good advice and counsel to Mallam President for the good of my country. No need to thank me for my selfless sacrifice, after all, I’m doing it for Flag and Fatherland!

• Michael Scofield – Yes, I mean Michael Scofield, the Prison Break character and No, I don’t mean Wentworth Miller, the man behind him. If you are asking why, I’ll advise you to go watch Prison Break especially the Season 1. If after watching it, you still don’t understand; then if you are a chick that means you are gay and if you are a guy, that means you are straight! I loooove the brains and the eyes they put on the guy!

• Black African Men – Gimme a black dick (pardon my crudity) anytime! I’ve had sex with various black men and I will still have sex with various black men even though I have and will continue to sample the pudding on offer from other races. But there is just something about a black cock! I’m not a racist but in this matter I am very prejudiced. Please forgive me, all my non-black and non-African readers but nobody does IT like a black man and Black African Men are DA BOMB!

MY SPICES – GINGER, CHILLI, PEPPER AND SALT

In case you are wondering, those are my best friends. The ones who spice up my life (corny, I know) And I want to tell you about them.

GINGER has been my best friend for like forever. We are childhood friends. We grew up as next door neighbors and went to the same schools all through. Nobody understands how and why we are friends though, because we are like day and night, clear opposites. I’m laid back and free, Ginger is uptight and pinched close. She is ultra-conservative! It took her years before she could undress in front of me and even longer for her to discuss sex. Till now, she cannot pronounce the words ‘I am horny!’ or ‘I want to have sex!’ Not that she doesn’t do sex but she has this charming old school British reticence about discussing such ‘delicate’ and ‘intimate’ issues. Many people cannot see what we have in common.
However, I see what is not so obvious to them. I see loyalty and integrity. I see a big mind and an even bigger heart. I see someone who believes in love and life and people and will give her all to help anyone in need. And I also see a young woman eager to let loose and be wild for once in her life but years of constraints and conditioning hold her back so she lives out her fantasy through my sexcapades! She might not talk about sex but she sure listens when we talk about it!

CHILLI is even wilder than I am. We (Ginger, Pepper and I) hooked up with her after graduation and it was a match made in heaven. You remember all those sexual depravity I’m aiming for in I’M DEPRESSED? Chilli has been there, done that! She’s a playa and she doesn’t hide it. Neither does she give a hoot what anyone thinks or says about her. I think she intimidates Ginger sometimes. Chilli is the most generous person I’ve ever met. She can give and share anything.
Lemme site an example, I bumped into Ginger’s ex boyfriend early this year and boy oh boy, the guy had cleaned up nice. The sparks flew and I could see an orgasmic future ahead. I called up Ginger and mentioned, very casually, that I just saw ‘so-so’ Her voice immediately underwent a below sea level temperature change. I could feel the icy blast over the line. She went “Lady, DON’T-EVEN-THINK-IT” (did I mention she’s also extremely possessive?) When Chilli heard, she said “Baby girl, you chose the wrong ex. Let me give you one of mine” and went further to offer me her current guy to make me feel better. She’s the one person I know who will discover a sexually proficient guy and immediately pass him on so we can partake of his orgasmic sexpertise. (Not that we take her up on the offer {and you can’t get me to say more than that})

PEPPER is my long lost twin. Physically we are different but in every other way, we are the same. We met as roommates in college and it was a case of discovering my soul mate. She’s fun and wild and is an extrovert. She loves dancing and singing and screwing. She is the one who gave us all dildos, as narrated in I HAVE A DILDO. She gives Ginger the most hell and they have butted heads more than a few times with me running interference as peacemaker while Chilli laughs her head off. We do crazy things together and are both gunning for the ‘sexual depravity award’ as told in I’M DEPRESSED.
I have had a Cyber Threesome with her. I met a guy online and we got into the virtual sex thingy and while it was on one night like that, Pepper came in and joined up. We gave the guy an online ménage a toir (thank heavens for Skype) and now he’s hankering for the real deal. We are thinking about it.
Whenever Pepper and I hang out together, we get all kinds of crazy propositions from different guys. The common factor being that they want two of us together. I’ve never been able to understand what it is about the two of us that gets guys visualizing a threesome. It never happens with the others, just us two.

SALT is the only guy in the mix. He is the childhood friend of my ex and long after my relationship with my ex broke up, Salt and I are still going strong. From the first time we were introduced, we hit it off. He was calm, cool, responsible and innocent until, according to him, I brought my depravity into his life. He gets front row seat in the theatre of my sex life. I gist him every detail and he’s the one I run to when I want to make sense of the masculine gender.
Sometimes, I get naughty and give him phone sex or send him tantalizing pictures of carefully selected body parts to get him all hot and bothered. Despite all that, we are friends, not sex mates and there is no desire to change the status quo.
What does his girlfriend think of me? Well, let’s just say if I was hit by a Mac truck impersonating a Formula One race car, she will volunteer to identify my remains just to confirm it is really me then go home and celebrate with champagne. I wonder why she loves me so much.

Those are my BFFs, I love them and can do anything for them and they feel the same way. They know me inside out and we have no secrets from each other. I write a lot about them and their naughty sexcapades. All those natty stories you read here that make mention of ‘a friend or friends’ refer to them (minus our puritan, of course, aka Ginger) Can you try to guess which story is about who?

JUST MUSING

• I have this stunning cousin and every time I look at her, I realize I just might have hitherto suppressed lesbianic tendencies. If I follow up on that and get ‘groovy’ with her, is that incest?

• You have read a lot about me and know much about my not so private life, so can you answer this for me – Am I promiscuous?

• I’m watching my male tortoise, Winston chase the female, Charlie (Charlotte) all over for sex and it got me wondering – Do animals enjoy sex or they just do it for procreation? Do they have orgasms (not just ejaculation) when they screw?

• The eternal question – Who enjoys sex more – guys or gals? Please back your answer with scientific facts.

• I look at my parents and wonder if they ever did oral sex or anal sex or any of the acrobatic positions we do these days. I know thinking about my folks that way is kinda gross but, hey, you cannot tell me you never wondered about your parents’ sex life. And if you never did, well, I just gave you food for thought.

• What’s with straight guys and lesbians? Mention gay men and they go ‘ewwww!’ but switch to naked chicks touching each other and they start panting.

• We all know when we die our spirits depart our bodies and supposedly continue existing wherever, but do spirits also have sexual organs? And more importantly do they have sexual desires and therefore, make use of their organs?

• Just what is it about sex that is so tempting and addictive and alluring and makes us lose sense of self time and time again? What is its lure; its engulfing power that makes fools of even the most powerful and preys on the weak?

• It just occurred to me that if I were a guy, I would really love fat chicks. I would want to hold a babe and feel what I’m holding.

• If I had a demanding ulcer-inducing, heart attack-provoking job, I wouldn’t be sitting here idle and thinking these.

NB – Sorry i’ve been off-blog for so long. I was going through a too-lazy-to-put-thoughts-into-words phase. Forgive me?

THE GREAT SEXUAL FAUX PAS

You can actually say this is a Sexual No No from a guy’s perspective. I asked a whole lot of guys what don’t they like in a woman during sex. I got quite a lot of different and varied replies but I promptly dismissed almost all as non issues. I mean, if a woman doesn’t get wet, who is to blame; or if she complains about you taking too long to cum, it’s an issue the man has to address not her; what of a woman not having multiple orgasms? – Not her fault. Some women are just wired that way and some just need a man good enough to discover their ‘Multi-O’ button; She has a wide vagina? – try getting a bigger dick; She’s unresponsive during sex? – HELLOOOO!

Almost all the No Nos I got from the men I questioned confirmed what I already know. It is you guys who determine whether you enjoy sex with a woman or not. If you can get her rocking, she will get you rocking. A man’s pleasure in the sex act is tied to the woman’s. Jingle her bells and it will amaze you how correspondingly loud your own bells will clang. So, guys, quit whining and get working!

Having said that let me move on to the one thing guys do have a right to complain about – HER CALLING ANOTHER MAN’S NAME DURING THE DO!

Can you imagine Paul working and sweating to get Gracie on? Then just as he is about to reap the rewards of his labor, just as the juices are about to flow and her hips start pumping involuntarily, Gracie’s mouth opens wide and starts spewing “Dave, oh Dave!”

OUCH!!!

There is no other grievance a guy has that measures up to this. Come on, ladies; imagine your guy calling out for Angelina while he is humping you. Except your name is Angelina, you will break his penis immediately.

I understand that sometimes we (guys and girls alike) indulge in a little harmless mental substitution. While Jake is groaning on top of us we can close our eyes and pretend its Carl. No harm in that. But what happens when we get so caught up in the memories that we project out our imagination verbally and end up calling out Carl’s name? That is enough to upset any red blooded male. We babes fall prey to this faux pas more than guys coz we are more vocally expressive during sex.

Finding a viable excuse for your verbal gauche might not be so easy. The best thing is to not make that mistake at all. But how to go about it? Lemme give you the advice a friend gave me a long time ago – “Develop the habit of not calling a guy’s name during sex! Try endearments instead” One term fits all! No guy can complain about you yelling “Baby, fuck me” or “Darling, you are da bomb” or “Sweetheart, you rock”.

Endearments always work!

I cannot say I have always adhered to my friend’s advice. No! I have found myself calling out a guy’s name often during sex. Sometimes we just can’t control it. But so far I have not committed that great faux pas. Not because I am so in control of myself during the act that I can’t make a mistake (very far from it) and neither is it that I don’t indulge in a lil mental fantasy switch during sex (I do!) It has just been pure dumb luck. So far! Let’s hope my luck holds out for as long as I’m sexually active (which I sincerely hope and pray is forever)

A LIL’ BLASPHEMY

As hard as it might be to believe, I am a Christian. The fact that I unconsciously yell “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”, calling for my creator during the most intense moments of my life testifies to this. I believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit (Do I hear an AMEN, somebody!!!) and the bible a hundred percent. I just don’t agree with them a hundred percent. Don’t get me wrong. I know they are right and true and all that, but because I have a mind of my own (He made me like that so it’s really not my fault), we kinda disagree on some things.

Number one is the ‘virtuous woman’ BS. I am not maternally inclined at all. I love kids, yes, but the best part is being able to RETURN them to their parents! I am also not the housework domestic type. I’d rather be out there in the corporate world negotiating a deal than at home cooking. Nor do I know the first thing about knitting or stitching or any of those ‘genteel’ hobbies. I can’t even tack on a loose button. I believe in job creation a la employing a cook, housekeeper, laundry man/woman, gardener etc. Neither am I a morning person. I can stay up all night till the early hours of the morning but when it comes to waking up before sunrise, HA, HA, count me OUT!

So the way I see it, why don’t I be the one at the gate with all those hunks and he gets to be ‘the virtuous MAN whose worth is far more than sapphires or emeralds’ or whatever precious stone he likes.

Another thing is the “Better to marry than to burn” gist. Now, I’m the first person to agree sex is a really huge and extremely important part of life but getting married just coz of sex?! PUHLEEZE! I mean, if the sex is the only thing that binds us together, we sure won’t last long. And even the bible won’t be able to come up with any reason to keep us together. Then what if I burn for more than one man?! Polyandry is another biblical NO NO! (which is hypocritical, dontcha think, considering all the polygamists that holy book parades)

As if that’s not bad enough, the “No sex before marriage” kind of throws another spanner in the works. That means I cannot even check out the merchandise before purchase! That’s the kind of ‘pig-in-a-poker’ deal that can get me stuck with a First John type. Imagine living my life without orgasms!!! I’ll rather rot in hell (at least the devil is sure to have loads of studs in that inferno)

And that brings me to the last thing – NO SEX IN HEAVEN???!!! What’s the appeal then? I’m supposed to live like forever without sex?! In this particular deal, the Islamic Paradise has Christians beat, though being part of a seventy-two female member virginal harem clamoring for a single penis doesn’t appeal to me that much either, but at least there’s hope of heterosexual sex once in a while and certainty of homosexual sex frequently (Yes o! We gals have to keep ourselves primed, don’t we? Not that I can ever be chosen as part of the virgin throng anyway)

If you want to keep me on the ‘straight and narrow path’ here on earth, dangle the prospect of a sexually active eternal life as incentive. But with the kind of heaven I have laid out before me, I just gotta f**k my fill on earth!

I know y’all expect me to include the “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” commandment in my ranting, but as the bible says nothing about coveting my neighbor’s husband, I’m cool with that.

Having said that, I am now going to confession so as to receive absolution. No, I am not a catholic but there’s a new priest in the catholic church down my street with a set of Pecs (still obvious under all that black covering) that instantly stirred my interest in all those dead saints (having a few ghostly saints to ‘help’ with my sex addiction is not such a bad idea) Plus, he has a voice that can make you scream “HALLELUYAH” while . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I’m hoping by the time I confess my sin of blasphemy, he will tell me to get down on my knees and say a hundred ‘Hail Marys’. Though I have to admit the Hail Mary is not the important part. Hearing him say “Go down on your knees” in that voice is what I’m after. Just thinking about it is sending my imagination soaring. I can just imagine kneeling in front of him and removing that cassock to unveil what is hidden. Hmmmmmmmnnnnn!

Okay, enough drooling! I’m off to the confessional. Keep your fingers crossed for me and pray he doesn’t prefer small boys (apology to all my catholic followers) Also remember to say a prayer for my immortal soul (just in case the Hail Marys don’t save me from purgatory)

I’m out!

RJ VERSUS NJ

RJ as you all know is my Retired but awaiting benefits John. NJ is the newly promoted CJ (Current John) from IJ (Interim John) but for clarity, let’s stick him with NJ (New John)

The problem is that for the past few weeks, these two have regressed to overgrown kids status with a ‘my ball is bigger than your ball’ mentality. The recurring question both have been posing to me is “Who is better in bed?” RJ wants to know he is a better lover than NJ and NJ wants to know he is better than RJ!

Can you imagine that from grown men?!

Are guys normally like this or is it just these two? I’ve sure never experienced this before. I know babes regularly compare guys’ performance but for me it has always been ‘good sex versus bad sex’ scenario. I have never really thought of the ‘good sex or better sex’ deal. Its either he jingles my bells or he doesn’t.

But these guys persistence got me thinking and I finally sat down to a mental sexual analysis of the two. What I realized was that both are very different and unique in their approach to the sex game and it is really hard for me to choose whose approach is better.

What then am I to do if not to lay out the facts and leave my readers to judge. Here goes –

RJ – He is a master of seduction. RJ starts making love to you long before you are anywhere near a bed. The way he looks at you; touches you; smiles at you; the sexual innuendos in his conversation. You are aware you are being expertly seduced but like a mouse caught in the hypnotic gaze of a cobra, you are helpless to resist. You know he is going to strike but you cannot move. You cannot escape the drugging weave of the spell he is casting over you. By the time RJ finally moves in for the kill, you are already mush in his arms.

Your sexual arousal is so heightened that by the time he finally kisses you, you can actually climax right then from just the touch of his lips. His is the kind of sexual expertise that can only come from years and lots of practice and experience.

RJ is smooth and suave. A charmer. He knows women are susceptible to his charms and he exploits that shamelessly. He also knows he is good in bed and can already predict your reaction. He is arrogant and cocky and utterly irresistible.

He’s the kind of man who can spend hours with a woman; taking his time and leaving no part of her untouched. Very gentle, thorough and knowledgeable. He can lean on his elbow with his head on his palm, and then proceed to wring out every single moan from you with just the other free hand. By the time he is through, you would have climaxed over and over again.

Afterwards, he follows up with his lips; kissing all over from top to bottom till you are weak and limp and you feel like a steaming bubble of melted butter. And all that is before he penetrates! He is never in a hurry during sex and always studies your reactions to make sure he is hitting the right spots, making you cum like a trillion times. RJ IS DAMN GOOD!

NJ – He doesn’t have the years of experience that RJ has but he more than makes up for it with enthusiasm and intuition. NJ is remarkably sensitive to a woman’s body. He can feel the slightest tremor and hear the lowest gasp. He seems to have an inborn grasp of what to do, how to do it and when. Plus he has such an open, uninhibited love of the female body.

The thing with NJ is that no matter how gently or slowly he tries to love you, there’s something about the way he moves and makes you feel that turns a woman wild. RJ makes you melt but NJ burns you up. You feel all your nerve endings sizzling and your self control explodes. With NJ, it is RAW ANIMAL SEX!

You jump and flail and scream and pant. Your orgasms have orgasms. He can take you to the edge and bring you back again and again till you are reduced to begging him to let you cum. Then when you cum, he doesn’t stop or pause to give you breathing space. He just goes on till you feel the heat building up again and the inferno bursts all over you again.

NJ is the kind of lover who has his back ripped to shreds by a woman’s roving, restless eager nails. He makes you wanna throw your legs as wide as they can spread and take all and more of him. And he always fills you up and satisfies those craving feelings. He is sweet, loving and honest in his love making. NJ IS DAMN GOOD!

Can you now please tell me how a gal is supposed to know who is a better love between two such uniquely gifted men?! I CANNOT! What I do is tell each one – “You are better than him” Now all that is left is to keep my fingers crossed and hope neither of them reads this post!

Oh, yeah, one more thing, NJ is determined to meet and rename Cindy(INTRODUCING LADIESLYF) just coz it was RJ who named her and RJ is equally determined to not only keep the name but also the rights to her. As for me, I’ll diplomatically hyphenate any name NJ comes up with with the name Cindy. And the rights to her? – MINE!

ANNOUNCEMENT

Remember I told you about PJ (Prospective John) in my previous post? Well, this is just to inform you that he’s off the list! No, it’s not what you think! I just changed my mind about shagging him! Changing minds is a lady’s prerogative so …………

Why the change of mind? Let’s see, have you ever tried being naked all day long with a guy? Staying indoors for five whole days? Doing nothing but eating, sleeping and balling as if it’s going out of fashion? Believe me when I say there’s no better way to discover a man’s ‘suppressed’ sexual talents than doing that. I’m telling you this from first-hand personal experience.

Wonder where I’ve been all these days and why I’ve been MIA offline? You just got your answer. With who? – Interim John! We started off with five days and then I had to return home. The break didn’t last long though. I found myself thinking of nothing else and soon had to return to him for more. Wish I could have stayed forever but the demands of making a living were too . . . . . er, . . . . demanding! So I had to ‘git my butt off the couch’. If however I go off the grid again, please don’t worry, I’ve just gone to IJ to have my brains screwed out.

But honestly,the guy can F**K! Holy Canoly! Maybe it was being butt naked or maybe it was the looming threat of another John that spurred him on, I don’t know. But what I do know is that the boy came on with both guns loaded and cocked and let me have it from all sides. Not only does he know the right buttons to press and the how of pressing them, he also has amazing staying power and knows exactly how to tease those ‘ladies’ for maximum impact. I discovered to my eternal horror that I do suffer from the one thing I hate most in guys – PREMATURE EJACULATION! Or in my case – PREMATURE DETONATION! Thankfully, I’m a chick so that covers my ass!

We all learn new things about ourselves at some point. I’ve always known my self control has elastic limits, I just didn’t know exactly how limited it was till IJ helped open my eyes. I now know it is possible to scream out an orgasm in less than 30 seconds; I now understand that a climax can roll on as suddenly and unexpectedly as a terrorist bombing; best of all, I now know a climax can be exxxxtended and prooooolonged till you feel you are dyyyying of it. I wonder where and why he has been hiding this ‘genius’ part of himself.

Anyway, this is to make a few adjustments to my Hall of Fame –

• PJ is out (till I want a change of ‘pace’ and bring him back in)

• RJ is definitely retired with no retirement benefits (he does deserve some benefits, but that will wait till I have another change of mind)

• IJ is now the brand new CJ (complete with a crown)

I’m now going to leave you with words of wisdom gleaned from recent experience – “YOUNGER GUYS ARE THE ACE!”

Oh, by the way, I finally got to do the ‘pictures during sex’ thingy. No videos yet but this is a step in the right direction. And those pictures are wonderfully explicit! Ladylyf is definitely moving up in the world! Hurray!!!!

LADYLYF’S HALL OF FAME

I’m here honoring the men who have their prints in my Hall of Fame and the things they did to get them there. For security reasons I cannot reveal their names but I have general nick names for them. As we all know the codename for the penis is ‘John Thomas’ aka ‘JT’. For all my men, I have removed the ‘Thomas’ and kept the ‘John’ with a befitting adjective to identify their qualities.

Number one on the list is ‘First John’, abbreviated ‘FJ’. ‘FJ’s only claim to fame is the cherry. He’s the one that plucked the cherry fruit and opened up the path for other ‘Johns’. Apart from that ZILCH! The guy has nothing else to recommend him. He didn’t jingle my bells or rock my knockers. For a while there I wondered what all the sex fuss was about.

Then along comes ‘OJ’ (Orgasmic John) and, boy oh boy, the man showed my why sex is such a big deal and started me on the path to moral depravity. He got me doing the involuntary spastic dance and jungle yells and I was hooked from that moment on. Everything I’ve done since then has been in search of more Big Os!

There were a few guys after him but none really Hall-of-Fame worthy till ‘CJ’ (Current John) made his rear entrance into my ass. Okay, he did a lot more than introduce me to anal sex, I mean, the guy sure knows his way around the female body and can get you singing soprano with just a few flicks of his tongue. It was due to his sexpertise that I allowed him where no man had ever been before.

Sadly, CJ has become ‘RJ’ (Retired John) though he constantly reminds me that I still owe him a backlog of retirement benefits which I have to pay. If and when he temporarily comes out of retirement to collect, you, my readers will be the first to hear all the nitty gritty details.

For a while after CJ retired I had ‘IJ’ (Interim John) He was temporarily filling the hole (pun intended) pending the search for and discovery of a suitable replacement for CJ. IJ gets a mention and ‘prick-print’ in my Hall because he filled the hole quite nicely and because he makes history as the first sex-on-a-first-date guy and very first younger guy.

Now I have ‘PJ’ (Prospective John) in view. I have him all picked out and I’m certain he will live up to sexpectation. It’s only a matter of time before he becomes ‘NJ’ (New John). The only problem is that he has this thing about privacy and has made me promise not to write about our sexperience. But how can I not?! Writing and talking about my sex life is what I do best! There has to be a way around it! I have to find a way to tell you about it without breaking my promise. (A podcast? After all he said no writing, not no talking)

My dildo also gets a mention in this Hall of Fame thing. It is the first and only non-human I’ve had sex with and believe me; it sure beats a lot of humans.

By the way, I have decided to name it ‘The John Thomas Snr’ alias ‘JOHNNNNNNNNNY’ in the throes of an orgasm!